On my mind...
Was my response right?
A couple months ago, I approached a Web2.0 company to interview their founders. They put me in touch with one of their investors and although the interview never quite happened, our conversation took a different turn and I ended up sending in my resume for a potential job opportunity that the investor mentioned to me. When he didn’t get back to me for a few weeks, I sent him a note of inquiry to which he responded by asking me to re-send my resume. I dutifully did - and then nothing happened.
We spoke briefly once or twice and again, there was no communication from their end and often, prolonged pauses with no responses to my emails. After I received a third request for my resume, I lost interest in the possibility of this ever working out and went about my business.
Last week I received an email from this gentleman informing me that the company had shut down and asking me for a favor - to offer advice to his daughter who was looking to move to NYC. I was, in all honesty, a little startled by this random piece of communication. But I am a nice girl and I try to make nice and because I am older now, I am also more mature. So I responded asking more questions about his daughters interest and how I could help.
Today I received an email with him giving me his phone number and asking me to call him to catch up. And yet another email - a one-liner about his daughter’s career aspirations ending with, ‘I will tell you more later.’
This really. really. really. irked me. Because the etiquette I was taught and work by is that when you need someone, you play per their convenience. I don’t have qualms about them not offering me a job - believe me, as smart as I’d like to think I am, there have been plenty of employers who have rejected me in worse fashion. But the point is - usually when you are giving someone a bad experience, you kinda know it. And you don’t return to them for personal favors. And if you do - you are courteous and just.. nice.
This guy’s email really annoyed me and I felt like he needed to know it. I do want to help his daughter - It is a competitive world and an even more competitive industry so if I can offer some insights. I am happy to but I just don’t want to deal with the guy again. So here’s the response I sent him and I need a sanity check - was this response right?
I’m sorry but I have to mention that your correspondence with me has been very erratic. I remember you asked for my resume 3 times and never really got back to me or answered my emails. I didn’t even know about [redacted] closing down - not that it matters to me but your communication seems off and preemptive. I am happy to help but I felt that I had to address this and I hope that in the future your communication with me is lucid and not one-way.
Please have your daughter email me directly or schedule some time to talk with me.
My intention was not to come off bitchy but the guy had to realize that his behavior was plain insolent.
I understand that we are ambling through these new communication modes and learning to take pleasure in the joys it offers, but why do we forget that even though we are building these relationships online - we are building them with real human beings.
Building online relationships is no different than building offline relationships. Well, unless ofcourse you are the kind of guy who would call up a rudely rejected freelancer to advice your child. In that case, you missed the boat way too soon.
Update 2/21: The gentleman in question here replied to my email and apologized. He mentioned that he was very stressed as an investor in the company and that it was not indicative of his character in general. I believe him but don’t really expect any major interaction. My offer to help his daughter stands.
Discussion
13 comments for “Was my response right?”
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I truly could not agree with you more. Looking at a computer screen or blackberry makes people forget there is a human being at the other end. I also agree that if his daughter wants your assistance, she should contact you. He is definitely not setting a good example for her.
Really my only quibble here is your beginning - “I’m sorry but…” I feel it dilutes your message without adding any courtesy to your mail.
haha…actually I’d say the guy belongs to that abundant species we call “idiots” or to their more sinister siblings called “jerks”. He needs nothing more than a sigh of helplessness, cuz reality checks can’t turn them around…
hey, btw don’t u feel posting a comment is too hard on ur blog.. i mean the captcha is displayed on a separate page, then you have to have javascript enabled to be able to post a comment…what gives?
Hi Jinal,
I think this is an appropriate response. The person was taking you for granted and never even thinking about the impact of his actions on you, so this email basically reminds him of that reality.
Remember, there are no right responses
Can I ask you what career potential did you spot in this gentleman’s company ? From his communication patterns and bizzare rationale of asking a stranger (sort of) to advice his daughter I would think his business or investment strategies are equally bizarre as well. I am surprised that they were not a huge turn off for someone as level headed as you since you seemed to have pursued the oppurtunity inspite of the negative experience.
Perhaps he was/is going thru a really rough patch and you happened to be communicating right in the middle of it.
Whatever his reasons your response is appropriate and balanced and lets hope both dad and daughter will benefit from any wisdom you may offer.
Erinn - That is what I felt too.
Beks - Point duly taken. I thought that after I had already sent it in.
Shantanu - Yea, I know it is a pain to post a comment but I had to put that in place to avoid being spammed. Sorry.
Gautam - Indeed, there are no right responses but one always wonders
Suresh - My industry is very competitive- in addition to a full-time job, I usually have one other freelance job to continue to build my experience portfolio. Oh well, a lesson well learned.
Some of my thoughts as I read your post:
1. If this gentleman knew that his company was going to be shut down (or if he was trying his best to save the company from shutting down), then that was not the best time to recruit anyone anyway. So why didn’t he just send you a courteous email saying they are not looking to hire anyone at present? Was he just hoping you’d give up and he disn’t have to say “no?”.
2. He obviously has a good opinion of you, else he wouldn’t have asked you to advise his daughter.
3. Either he did not realize he had been discourteous to you, or he’s used to behaving this way with his employees. So he had no problems asking you to do him something - he may not even have realized he was asking you for a favor, and you owed him nothing.
When you consider all this, what you wrote was perfect. I would have added something about my point #1 (it is not your business if the company is going to shut down, but it IS your business if they are not hiring and are still wasting your time).
I think you did the right thing, Jinal. You did wait and send in your resume again. I have had similar experiences (broadly) with people / companies not communicating one way or the other and find it very irksome. That said, if you feel you can help the girl in any way, please do so. No fault of hers! And also, this gentleman might keep you in mind for future opportunities - but think carefully if that comes up…
Lekhni - Thank you. I agree with you. I was just confused and didn’t want to be very rude to him but I needed him to know that it was not ok. That he had to step back and look at how it was on the other end.
Charu - Absolutely. My offer to help his daughter still stands if he wants to take me up on it.
Jinal,
Thanks for sharing this. I love your response, and think you handled it wonderfully. I just can’t stand arrogance displayed in the form of disrespect for one’s time.
I love how he felt the need to explain further “that as in investor…” blah blah blah…Passive aggressiveness is yet another pet peeve. Well done.
B
this guy is a 1st class jerk; what I also hate is when SALES folk say - let’s do lunch say I can learn about you. I only realize it’s a SALES call when I get there. I’ve now learned to carefully weed out “let’s do lunch”. I love networking and biz dev, but don’t tell me you have a side financial services biz and sell me on life insurance when we meet for lunch!
Ramon Ray, http://www.Smalbiztechnology.com
Such people are all to common. One time I helped a (so-called) friend retain his job (during a massive downsize), by talking to the director of the division and telling him to keep that person. I myself found a great opportunity a few weeks later and moved on. I ran into the director of previous company a few months later and he told me that he had mentioned to this “friend” that it was because of me he still had a job. Yet the guy never called me to thank me and I didn’t care about it. A couple of years later, I get a call out of the blue from him (now he had been laid off), and he tells me that he’s in the market looking for a job. That’s it. No thanks - nothing. But just a “Hey I am looking for a job - let me know….”. That was the last time I spoke to him.
Lesson learned for me: Help if you want to, but don’t expect anything back.