On my mind...

Lonely places of the head

On my way to work, I usually listen to a shuffled playlist from the Devotional Genre on my Ipod. I am not religious and do not believe in religion but the cleansing vocals of devotional songs is very refreshing in the mornings. Listening to Ik Onkar (from Rang De Basanti) is like watching the dawn break on the marble foot-steps of a temple, feeling a heaviness that is inexplicable and reveling in the wafting fragrance of sandalwood frankincense burning closeby. Similarly, Shri Ventakesha Suprabhatam, reminds me of a cool stone floor, the smell of ghee mingled with marigolds permeating the air of Guruvayoor temple in Kerala. A place I’ve never been to, but heard about and seen in photographs.

Ave Maria and Amazing Grace take me to that lonely place in my head where its past midnight and I’m standing alone, a little scared, a little in awe, in the vast emptiness of the Vatican City grounds. The glowing statues that adorn the church, stare solemnly in space. The only sounds are those of the gurgling water fountain two feet away from me. Sometimes when the wind blows, I hear murmurs and whispers from the past. The thousand year old cobble-stones I stand on, are so smooth and rounded by now that it is impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins….

There is a marathi song that I love, Airanichya deva tula and the Ganesh Aarti, Jaydeva Jaydev. Listening to these songs take me back to the safe place I know from my childhood. I grew up around Maharashtraians, my mother studied in Marathi medium (she is Gujju) We watched Marathi movies, sung marathi songs and ate marathi food. (my favorite kind!) Once Dad bought this tape of mix songs and we played ,i> Airanichya deva on a loop - the coarse voice, the shrill bells and the upbeat tap-tap-tap sound was not only addictive, but it managed to lift our spirits everytime.

The list of my beloved gujarti songs in never-ending. I even coached a my class group in 10th grade for the recital of Dada Aadishwarji for our Moral Science class. (remember moral science?!!) But the one song I identify with and began appreciating after I left India is a Navratri hymn called, Vishwanbhari I think we all have our own derivations of music and why we love it. There is one line in this song that goes, Aa zindagi ma tuj vina nathi koi maru translated as, In my life, there is no one except you and every- time I hear it, I’m moved to tears. The simplicity of this sentence, the fearsome truth it conceals and the poignant acceptance of it …..

I believe in God. Or atleast I believe in a greater, more divine energy that takes care of this universe. Hymns and bhajans, evoking the goodness of this energy, the blessings of this potency or in mere adulation of its impossibility, bring me peace. Sooth my fluttering, restless soul. I don’t understand Punjabi or Malayalam or Latin… but I listen to these songs irrespective of the meanings they hold. I listen to them because of the feelings they inspire. It doesn’t matter what language it is then.

Jamies Barrie, someone I deeply admire said, “You can visit neverland anytime you want.” All those lonely little places in our head ? They are probably more beautiful than the ones on our To-Go list. I know mine are. For me, music is my ticket to those places in my head, but it doesn’t really matter what evokes them. As long as they exist.

This morning I found out the company I work for can’t afford to pay me so instead of 160hr/month that I work right now, they are cutting down my hours to 40hr/month. Losing my computer and than three-fourths of my job would have given me an anxiety attack in another lifetime. But thank god for those places in my head. Where the ponds are green, the trees purple and flowers grow cup-cakes.

Thank God for music.